Why Autistic Unmasking Feels Impossible To Maintain (And How to Fix It)

A LOT has been written about autistic masking. But it is still such a huge struggle for most autistic adults. Many will unmask for a bit, then go right back to masking because they hate how others see them when unmasked. I’ve heard of this happening to so many autistic adults during their unmasking process. So let’s talk about how to set ourselves up for success during autistic unmasking.

Masking is when an autistic person hides their autistic traits and puts on a neurotypical “mask.” It’s a very difficult way to live to constantly pretend to be something you aren’t because you think the real you shouldn’t be shown to the world. Talk about an exhausting and shame-filled lifestyle! And autistic women and girls are often the highest masking among us. So I love the current movement for autistic folks to unmask. 

Autistic unmasking is the process of getting back in touch with who we really are and being our autistic selves to the world. Understandably, people often focus on their actions when starting to unmask. They think of stereotypical autistic traits and seek to do those things in public. For example, we often mask by forcing ourselves to make eye contact with others, even if it makes us uncomfortable. So someone who is unmasking might allow themselves to not make eye contact when talking to others. This is a great place to start!

But I think focusing on one’s actions alone isn’t enough. Say I stop making eye contact with others and people start getting offended because they take it the wrong way. Or they realize that I’m autistic because I’m not making eye contact and start treating me like a child. Or I get passed over for a promotion because people think there’s something “off” about me when I don’t look them in the eyes. 

It would be natural for me to then think that it was a terrible idea to unmask, that showing my more obviously autistic traits will only make me an unsuccessful outcast. That would be an ableist way of thinking on my part, in response to the ableist actions of others. This shows how we mask because others judge our autistic traits (ableism), but also because we judge our autistic traits ourselves (internalized ableism). So it helps our unmasking to tackle our reason for doing it in the first place- ableism.

What if I had approached unmasking as not just about changing my actions, but also about undoing the ableism inside me and others? 

Through understanding the social model of disability, I would acknowledge that the problem isn’t my lack of eye contact, but that society places neurotypical expectations about eye contact on me. Thus, I would want to communicate to others how those expectations affect me and why I am not making eye contact in order to try to change these neurotypical expectations. Of course, this doesn’t guarantee that people won’t have an ableist reaction, but it moves the needle in the right direction.

In order to work on my internalized ableism, I could use these Essential Scripts for Self-Talk While Unmasking. They’d help counter the negative voices that invade my head when going against the societal messaging that encourages masking. I would focus on empowering self-talk and reflection that focuses me on getting in tune with my autistic needs and working to meet them. I’d look specifically into sensory unmasking as a way to recognize and meet those needs. Not only that, I’d focus on gaining pride in my autistic traits, rather than focusing on the ableist reactions I might get to them. This mindset shift is huge in autistic unmasking!

I think that this approach is much more affirming and effective in the long run. This anti-ableist unmasking method works to undo the external and internal ableism that is the root of masking in the first place. It may sound challenging at first, but working bit by bit will get you there. At least it has worked for me! Every autistic adults deserves to reach a place of unmasked calm through focusing on autistic pride while they stay true to themselves.

If you find value in this content, please consider leaving a tip.

Want to get this straight in your inbox? Sign up for our newsletter!